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Would you like to go fight something in the Enclosure?

[His tone is neutral. This is a "you don't have to talk about this if you would rather just kill something about it instead" offer.]

Thank you, but there is no point to that.

[He's been killing monsters in the Enclosure every night all week since his fight with Johann. It doesn't help.

He wants to break the entire ship into pieces. Swallow the entire thing whole, rip the soul out of every sorry person and grind their bones to dust. Maybe he should, and then post to the Network about how very sorry he is and how he's learned the error of his ways, and then he'll graduate the next day.]

No, not really. But it does give you something to do.

Is there something you'd prefer?

[There's a low, nasty chuckle.]

Ahhh, I was thinking... perhaps the entire ship? I could tear everyone on board apart, limb from limb.

Surely the Admiral would be sympathetic, were I but to express my deep regret publicly after the fact?

[He's not doing it, alas for self-control. But at least Hakkai gets the privilege of hearing these thoughts out loud.]

Maybe a little peeved about all the work he'd have to do reattaching limbs.

[He knows that Sebastian is absolutely serious about wanting to, but he also knows that if Sebastian is saying it out loud he almost certainly isn't going to do it.]

If you want to try ripping off real arms, I'd be willing to fight you. I don't stand still for that, though.

But if it won't make you feel better to tear me limb from limb, I doubt the rest of the ship will do you any more good.

Thank you for the offer, but indeed, it does take away quite a lot of the charm when death does not stick.

But perhaps we should consider the possibility that an obvious solution has been right in front of us the entire time, sir? I am certain I could deliver a very pretty speech after the fact on having learned the value of every life.

[Yes, he bloody well knows it's not about the killing. But he is. so. damn. frustrated.]

You could probably deliver the same speech with the same amount of sincerity right now, without any preparatory work. I trust your improvisational skills.

[A soft little hum.]

There isn't much that murder could teach you. Your lessons are harder to learn, Sebastian, and so they'll take longer. But if I can help you deal with the frustration you feel seeing others reach their goal, I hope you'll let me.

Mm. If you wish to be helpful by having your limbs torn off, I suppose I can oblige.

["If that's the only solution you have, you're useless."]

[The tone isn't subtle. Hakkai is silent for a moment, considering, then chooses bluntness.]

Sebastian, no matter what I say to you in this moment, it won't change your journey. Murdering the whole ship won't change your journey, either. You need to learn to value the lives of even people you hold in contempt and develop the ability to relate to other people as equals.

But I understand the frustration of seeing other people reach their goal when it feels out of reach for you. So if you want the distraction of a good fight -- or any other distraction that would help you -- I'm willing to offer that.

[Distractions are just that: distractions. They don't help, they don't further his non-existent graduation journey, they're worthless.]

Please forbid me to do any manual labour whatsoever. Request of me to spend all my time making connections. Ask the Admiral to take away all my remaining powers. Ask him to turn me human.

[ANYTHING. What Sebastian's doing right now obviously isn't working.]

[Anything, in other words. But he thinks that both he and Sebastian know that brute-forcing it in those ways would be... less than useful. After a moment, instead, Hakkai suggests:]

I could request of the Admiral that you see every person on board as a cat.

[There's a momentary pause; that is not a suggestion Sebastian had expected. At least it jolts him out of his frustrated sulking temporarily.]

...For what reason?

Well, you'd find it considerably easier to make connections.

[Look, he'd seen Sebastian talking to Edwin at their wedding.]

I...

[He feels the need to protest that that would NOT make anyone a cat ~~spoken like a man who has not for one second considered that Edwin might not actually be a cat.~~

It feels wrong. But he did want Hakkai to do anything.]

...May I think it over?

I'm not actually serious.

Although, if you'd like to try asking yourself the question of how you would react if whoever you're interacting with was a cat....

[It feels wrong to Hakkai, too. But, more seriously:]

I could also offer... if you'd like, I'd let you experience my emotions, for a time.

[...How damned upset is Sebastian that he didn't pick up on that? Pathetic.]

...Would that not be similar to a Breach? [But he's not saying no.]

Edited 2024-06-07 17:15 (UTC)

Breaches are temporary and... well. [A pause.] Those people who we are during a breach are not real people. Do you think it would make a difference for you to experience emotions that are real?

[A week of human feelings, followed by the removal of those feelings-- well. To Hakkai, although they've left their marks sometimes, breaches are easy to dismiss.]

[There's a pause on Sebastian's end. He hates this idea too, but... thinking it over seriously does feel better than this frustrated dead-end he's been in for days now.]

Even in all those breaches, I... believe I had not a full human experience of emotions. [He can't be sure, but he thinks he'd been somewhat emotionally stunted in all of those lives, despite being human.]

...I do not know how to answer. [MAYBE it'd help? Hakkai being youkai and not human at least makes the idea slightly more bearable: he'd at least not gain the emotions of a lowly human.]

I... I would acquiesce to try it. For how long?

I see. Let's start with at least twenty-four hours to give it a fair trial. If you think it is making a difference, we could continue it for a week. I'd stay close, in case there are any -- problems.

Doubt you my self-control, sir?

[Emotional regulation of emotions you've never experienced before will surely not be a problem.]

It's going to be a new experience for you, and it might be a difficult one. I'd like to be close in case you have questions.

If I actually doubted your self-control I'd be telling you to stay home from work for the first twenty-four hours.

[Questions are not the same thing as problems, Sebastian thinks to himself, but he doesn't argue.]

...Fine. Twenty-four hours to start with.

[Problems is a more honest description of what Hakkai thinks is likely to occur. But there's no need to be insulting by doubling down.]

All right. I'll speak to the Admiral.

When would you like to start?

[He's tempted to say "right now" just to get away from this impotent frustration - how pathetic is that?]

We are due for a Flood soon, no? After its end?

Edited 2024-06-09 04:24 (UTC)

We are.

All right -- that seems like a sensible precaution. I'll contact you as soon as it ends.

Re: [after Malcolm's announcement of Kikimora's graduation, audio]

untiltheend - 2024-06-09 04:31 (UTC) - Expand