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This is Sebastian Michaelis. I am unavailable at present, but please leave a message. Should a response be needed I will reply when time permits me. Please do keep your message brief.

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You know, if you laid off the smug bastard bit, people might like you more.

My warden gave me a task and I don't want to do it, but he's offering my full healing back if I do. I have to make a friend.

If you agree to verify that with him should he ask, I'll owe you.

[--Oh. You know, he was already half-prepared to say yes, because Sebastian generally enjoys doing stuff, and having people indebted to you is always useful. However:]

--Ahh, unfortunately, that is something I will not do.

[The longest and most annoyed groan.]

Are you going to tell me why or should I beg?

Enjoyable as that would be... [Sebastian likes it when people beg. Especially if they're crying pathetically while doing so.]

I am forbidden to lie, you see.

[His usual phrasing is the more good-person-sounding "I do not tell lies", but from one monster to another...]

Oh, is that all?

You sorts know all kinds of ways to skirt the truth, don't you?

Oh, naturally.

Yet if your request is for me to answer "yes" to the question "is this person your friend?" I will not do that. Implying is another thing altogether; that is easily done.

That could really hurt my feelings.

Why can't you lie?

..if you say it's a fucking curse, I will laugh you out of this conversation.

[Heh!]

Strike I you as the kind to suffer curses? [Please. He inflicts them, more like. A Contract between a human and a demon is not all that unlike a curse, after all.]

My master forbids it. I should hope you will not argue "death" and being brought here should render such an order void, but just in case: it does not.

No, it doesn't.

[Said with absolute sincerity. Or as much as he can muster.]

But it does make you more annoying.

Will you at least try?

[No, it doesn't.

...

Considering how Sebastian doesn't really care if other people understands his perspective or not, it's oddly... relieving to hear that agreement? He's already had multiple people tell him he'll need to be less obsessively devoted to his master to have any hope of ever graduating, like that's a reasonable thing to ask of him. Like that would even be possible.

Thank goodness not everyone's completely out of their mind.]

...Well. I would not mind trying, but we need to establish what exactly suffices as "trying", no?

For example: if I make no attempt at speaking to Mr Gray on the matter at all and simply wait to be contacted by him, and he does not reach out to me, have I still honoured our agreement?

And on the other extreme: should I contact Mr Gray, implying at length that you are my "friend" without using that precise word, and he still does not believe me if I cannot outright state it, do you still owe me?

[Remember when Johann called Sebastian "rather fussy" and said it was adorable? Well. The adorableness continues.]

[Fucking semantics. This is already not worth the trouble, but he is rather desperate.]

Don't say a damn thing to him. If he puts you in a position where you can use your big brain to get out of it, then do so. If he puts you in a position where you have to lie, then don't.

That's trying.

That is an acceptable definition.

And as for the scope of the favour I will be owed?

I'm good at stealing shit if there's anything you want and can't get yourself because you stick out like a big damn bird.

["What kind of ridiculous simile is that even..." thinks the Big Black Vulture.]

I expect to get a hold of one myself in due time, but since one can never have too many... A knife, if you would. That, or any kind of weapon you might come across.

Edited 2023-01-13 18:15 (UTC)

It's always a weapon.

Well, certainly. I'll do my best, provided you do yours.

I do apologise for being predictable. But very good: it was good doing business with you, Mr Johann.

[A shame Johann had to go and say "don't say a damn thing to him". Otherwise Sebastian could have initiated something with Mr Gray.]

Nice to know someone knows how to do it right.

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