untiltheend | IC Contact

Of that, I am very aware. Humans are fully capable of committing monstrous acts against those unimportant to them. Why, even to those important to them as well, oftentimes.

In the end, I would not say Mr Agni is important to me.

But you do appreciate him.

Would you say that any other being you've met is important to you?

[Sebastian nods. He does appreciate Agni.]

All cats are wonderful creatures, of course. [But they come and go (and also are more comic relief than anything else).]

The young master is the current focal point of my life, but of course, that is not what you mean. [So probably no.]

[So, probably no. Hakkai nods agreement as Sebastian says that's not what Hakkai had meant; the connection of a contract is a different kind of thing, even if it seems he appreciates -- if not cares for -- this master more than he had any others he's mentioned.]

Building those sorts of connections does matter, too.

Although finding people you appreciate is a good start.

Doubtless you realise that should it ever be necessary, I would kill every person I appreciate, Mr Agni included.

[Hakkai contemplates the steam rising from his cup for a long, thoughtful moment.]

I can imagine situations in which I would kill everyone on this ship with my own hands to save the one man on it who I love. And yet, that doesn't seem to have stopped me from graduation.

Sometimes, what you've decided to do or not do matters more than what you're capable of doing in the wrong situation.

[That is a very personal thing to admit. Sebastian scoffs a laugh, half-amused, half-surprised.]

My, even Mr Xie Lian would not be spared? Gratitude truly only goes so far, in the end.

I do know what I'm capable of -- which, I should be clear, is only to say emotionally capable of.

[He tosses Sebastian a dry look.]

Considering that Xie Lian could tie me into five different knots with one hand, if he truly felt it necessary.

But what I could do and what is a reasonable future possibility... those are two different things.

[Hrm. It's true Sebastian's had the sneaking suspicion that Xie Lian is far more powerful than himself, even discounting the Admiral's restrictions. Stupid gods and their stupid powers.

He sighs, taking another sip of his tea. After a moment's contemplation:]

I suppose it is good to know the Admiral's qualifications are low enough to allow someone with such violent, antisocial tendencies to graduate.

[Despite the long-suffering tone, Sebastian does appreciate this reassurance. He's spent many months half-convinced the Admiral will never let him graduate.]

I feel it's quite encouraging to others.

[Cheerfully. He takes a sip of his tea as well, lingering thoughtfully over the flavor.]

Hm, [Sebastian answers non-committally. He considers his tea for a few moments.]

During my first few months here, I was told I need to "realise in which way I hurt people around me, and cease that" and that I would need to forget about my master.

[Which surely is not a roundabout way of saying he indeed thinks it encouraging.]

[Surely not! Hakkai flashes him a quick glimmer of a smile.]

I don't think the first part is necessarily incorrect. But it's not as if those of us who are graduated never hurt anyone again.

It's just that inmates generally have personal problems. Mine was...

[He falls silent for a moment, a faintly distant cast to his gaze as he considers phrasing.]

Mine was a tendency to believe that my heart told me the truth about the world, and to act accordingly.

I do think that part of graduation is discovering what your particular problem is. It's difficult, because if those problems were easy to admit to -- or solve -- we'd already have done it on our own.

What an oddly human problem to have, if I may say so. [For a little demon scum, he means.

Is this stalling? Of course not. Semi-mean banter is just more pleasant, sometimes, than considering the potential that one might have flaws.]

It hasn't been all that long since I was human.

Tell me, what do you think yours is, Sebastian?

I think I have no personal problems, nor flaws.

But I imagine you will tell me that is part of the problem, yes?

No, I just think you're lying to me. You've tried to shock me with your opinions or plans more than once: even if you don't personally consider those problems, you have plenty of ideas about what it is that makes you an inmate here.

[How about Mr Cho shuts his face.]

I do not tell lies, sir warden.

Ever since the very beginning when Mr Lark was assigned to me, I have said that I can imagine plenty of reasons why I would qualify as an Inmate in the eyes of the Admiral.

True statements made with the intention to mislead are still lies.

[He should know; it's one of his own favorite techniques.]

Tell me, do you doubt that you'll be able to graduate because you know what other people might see as wrong in your behavior, but you don't think it's a flaw yourself?

[The temperature in the room almost literally drops a few degrees.

True statements are, by definition, not lies. But that's twice now that Mr Cho has accused Sebastian of being a liar. Of going against the terms of his current Contract, consequently.

He takes a sip of his tea, making the pause in conversation just long enough to be uncomfortable and obviously not just a 'I need a moment to think my answer through'. Go jump off a cliff.]

The answer to that question is rather obvious, would you not say? Of course I could work on changing the things about me I believe the Admiral wishes me to change; choosing to behave differently is child's play. Yet, changing a behaviour without agreeing that that behaviour was wrong is merely play-acting, which I am told is not enough to graduate.

[He looks up at Hakkai over his cup.]

Was endangering my child master's life over a poorly phrased order cruel? Doubtlessly. Feel I guilty over doing so? [He shakes his head once.] It amused me in the moment, and it taught my master a lesson, I would hope - and so, as I see it, there was nothing 'wrong' with my actions.

To view such cruel actions as those I often perform as 'wrong'... I imagine it would require, as we have spoken of before, an innate sense of right and wrong, which I lack. Barring that, the ability to empathise or at least sympathise with others, which... well, I have at least never felt such emotions. I rather doubt I lack the ability to feel them.

Edited (icon change) 2023-10-11 21:36 (UTC)

Perhaps you've never had the opportunity to feel them. I don't believe you lack the capacity -- even if it's not a natural emotion for you, I believe you could feel it.

[A long, thoughtful pause.] Do you have any ability to sense or share the emotions of others?

[Perhaps feeling those stronger emotions directly would help...]

[Hrm...]

I would say I can detect the emotions of humans. A vast majority of the people here have suffered great trauma; they are full of anger, grief, resentment... As a consequence, they smell most appetising. [He raises his eyebrows and adds, dryly:] My deepest apologies if that is a shocking thing to say.

[Anyway. Snark aside,] The few humans I have encountered in my life with little to no negative emotions... they, meanwhile, smell utterly dull.

I have heard worse.

[Dryly. That said, more seriously:]

Which emotions do you find it most difficult to empathize with? The positive ones, or the negative ones?

Asking it like that...

That is much akin to asking "is it more difficult feel what a pig is feeling by smelling pork, or to feel what cow is feeling by smelling beef?"

[It's not that empathising is difficult; it's that Sebastian doesn't empathise period. And also that Sebastian perhaps has a rather shallow understanding of what both empathy and sympathy entail.]

I have mentioned to you the emotions I know for sure I am capable of experiencing, have I not? I am incapable of feelings that typically cause humans distress.

[As if anger and frustration aren't potentially distressing emotions.]

You listed a few distressing emotions. [Dryly.]

Do you think you need to feel the same thing as a human in order to empathize with them, Sebastian? That's not what I would mean by empathy, myself.

[Sebastian raises his eyebrows, skeptical.]

Did I, now. [Anger, resentment, disgust? Surely these are all motivating emotions? (As if Sebastian has done anything but stew in his own frustration for the last ten months.)

He takes another sip of his tea, considering. The finer details of compassion and its adjacent feelings are, admittedly, not exactly his area of expertise, so...]

What would you mean by it, then?

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