untiltheend | IC Contact

[The more appropriate word would likely be "sadness", but... identifying feelings you've literally never experienced before, only learned about second-hand, isn't always the easiest.]

We did.

[Slightly rising intonation. Why?]

I'm glad you did. Because it can be very difficult to lose someone with things that are unresolved between you.

Even if you were able to talk, though... it can be hard to lose a person you've come to see as a person.

No matter how brief human lives may be, no individual connection is ever quite the same as any other. When someone goes, it's a loss.

[...Heh.]

Why, now, Mr Cho: once I graduate, I will easily be able to visit Johann, will I not?

[You know. Once Sebastian graduates. Maybe 500 years from now, if ever.]

I didn't think you planned to stay on the Barge after your graduation. Going home to different worlds... you might visit once, before you go, but you wouldn't exactly be able to stay in touch.

Unless he's gone back to your world and time?

[It's not a statement of no faith in Sebastian's graduation. It's just how the Barge works, little as Hakkai himself may be resigned to that fact.]

Gracious, no: I doubt I will stay long enough to even thank you for your efforts.

But I do believe 'the ability to travel worlds' is something a Warden might ask for? [Hakkai did indicate that one time that he might be willing to give his Deal to Sebastian...] It is my understanding that Johann's own Deal involved something of the sort.

[This isn't really the point of what they're talking about, but...]

Should I be unable to keep in touch with him, that would be acceptable... but as I am now, I believe I would regret it.

Oh, is it? I wasn't aware of his deal.

[Or assuming that, if Sebastian found something he cared about enough to want Hakkai's deal, that he'd use it on the ability to jump between worlds to visit his friends. But there's no need to say that out loud.]

Well. How do you feel about it? Now, that is. As things are at the moment.

[~~ooc: in which I somehow hallucinated that Johann graduated an inmate and got a deal OTL~~]

Not being able to keep in touch with him, you mean? Well, like I said... it is not ideal, especially seeing as I believe he shares a similar longevity with me, but it is hardly uncommon for people to drift apart for a variety of reasons.

You said you regret it.

Would you say that regret is more like... anger? Frustration? Sadness?

[There's a pause as Sebastian considers his answer.]

...I... hate that he has left just as we have agreed to be 'friends'. Judging by what everyone has been telling me, making connections and learning to value other people is the way to graduate, and him leaving at this time... [Just when Sebastian has started to consciously acknowledge Johann's importance.

There is a part of him that is just sad that Johann is gone, that will genuinely miss him, but it's overshadowed by the selfish desire to graduate.]

Honestly, I'm a little annoyed about that, too. But...

[He turns his hands palm-up briefly.]

I'm trying to accept the fact that this place is only temporary for any of us. Neither you nor I have the right to hang onto someone simply because we have an attachment. But will you miss him? Entirely besides your graduation.

[...There's a long pause, almost a minute long, as Sebastian considers his answer.]

Yes. [There have been people he has valued in the past. Agni, for example... but every single one of those people have been mayflies; gone as quickly as they have disappeared.]

[Hakkai nods, and lets the conversation rest there for a moment, sipping his tea to see if Sebastian wants to elaborate on the 'yes'.]

[Sebastian falls silent for a while too, also sipping his tea. Eventually:]

When I first arrived here, I was told, over and over again, that I would need to forget or let go of the young master were I ever to graduate. I had people question how I could still remain so loyal to him even after my death.

I have... never been interested in whether I am understood by others or not. But month after month, being told what I would need to do in order to return to the young master is a fundamentally impossible thing... [At some point, he somewhat felt like he was going insane. He takes another sip of tea, and with a slight, dismissive hand gesture:]

Even having read my file, sir, you do not understand fully. [It's not criticism, just fact.] Johann understands. There was never a need to explain anything.

... No. The way I bind myself to people...

[He's quiet for a moment. At last:] I do understand what it is to have my feelings for someone else be a part of who I am. But it's different for me, and I can see how you and Johann would have understood that about each other.

Even if you don't care to be understood as a general rule, it's -- it's important.

It has never been any measure of important before this infernal place.

Don't object that all of your hard work is having a meaningful effect, Sebastian, it's unsightly.

My deepest apologies, sir.

"I am tremendously grateful for this opportunity to reshape myself into unrecognisabilty."

Is that more pleasing to your ears?

Oh, yes. Much.

Truly... this is the sort of thing I mean when I say I can see you've changed, Sebastian.

But I still think it's about time that you should take your normal form back, and move forward with these lessons.

["This is the sort of thing..." What, mouthing back?

Sebastian can't even argue he hasn't changed. He knows he has. He hates it.]

If I may, I humbly disagree. [Because the Admiral WANTS THIS.] My reconciliation with Johann occurred before we decided on this action.

[So him agreeing to be friends, his valuing Johann has nothing to do with being human. Allegedly.]

Well, yes, I didn't mean to imply that any change in your emotions from this state-- [a little gesture at Sebastian, deliberately too-polite-to-say-it in a way he's attempting to make as irritating as he can] was responsible for reconciling.

But it does seem to have heightened your feelings about Trevor, for example.

May I ask, Sebastian, what additional things you expect to gain from letting this go on longer?

Surely we cannot assume me to have had even close to the full human experience in such a short time.

[Sullenly. STUBBORLY.]

You wouldn't have the full human experience in a whole lifetime. That wasn't ever the point of this, you know.

[Shut up.

They both know what Sebastian's real reason for not wanting to go back to his normal self is.

He stares down into his tea, and doesn't reply.]

I won't ask the Admiral to change you back if you won't agree to it. But I think... that it is time to move onto the next strategy.

When you're ready.

As you say, sir.

[Sebastian could say "I'd appreciate if, in the future, you don't threaten even sarcastically to go to the Admiral over my head", but that would require an amount of emotional honesty that Sebastian isn't capable of without it being forced out of him.]

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