untiltheend | IC Contact

"Would that the Admiral shared your sentiment."

Because as far as Sebastian can see, he still hasn't graduated. He's quiet for a resentful moment, then:

"I do suppose it is why I agreed to act as Mademoiselle Florbelle's servant."

Because he... misses it? Probably? Sebastian doesn't know how much of their talk when Hakkai was high out of his mind on the Narrenschiff, but it's hardly a secret that he's been acting as Justine's butler of sorts.

"Do you care for her? Or is it just... the reminder of what it was like, that you missed?"

Hakkai's tone is soft, not pushing.

"I find Mademoiselle Florbelle a most interesting person. She is damaged but brilliant; quite fascinating to speak to.

But I do not care for her, no."

At least, he doesn't think so. As a human, he cared about Johann and Trevor, and that still holds, but as for others... he supposes he's still a demon, with a demon's limited - or non-existing - capacity for caring.

"Not at all? Or just... not as much?"

Sebastian is not always, in Hakkai's opinion, the most in touch with the amount that he cares. At least, not until someone threatens to take away his things.

To Sebastian's credit, he takes a few long moments to consider it properly.

"...I... think not at all."

But, to confirm Hakkai's opinion:

"But I will admit I am not accustomed to caring about anyone at all, in any capacity. I may be a poor judge, thus."

Edited 2025-03-22 13:27 (UTC)

"It can be hard to get used to," Hakkai agrees, with a thoughtful little hum. "I wonder...."

He trails off, glancing down at his cupful of light.

"Do you think it would help if you had some objective way to judge your connections to other people?"

"With the reservation that I am not the best judge in these matter, it has always been my understanding that emotional 'connections' cannot be objectively judged?"

He's not necessarily against it, he's just saying.

"What would you propose?"

"Mm. Not by an outside observer, I think. But I know the Admiral has been able to create devices that display certain things about you, to you. Emotions, for example.

"I don't see any reason why he couldn't make something similar that would... rate connections. To help you identify your own responses to them."

Like a child that doesn't recognise its own emotions... Sebastian sighs.

"If you believe it would benefit my graduation, I do not object."

"Do you think it would benefit your graduation?"

Hakkai thinks it might... but he also suspects that something like that might be meaningless in Sebastian's hands. Any information it gives him is tainted by the Admiral's intercession, after all.

"No. I think my ability to truly care ceased to exist when I returned to being a demon."

He puts his cup of water gingerly aside.

"But I am willing to try anything on the chance that it might work."

"I certainly think it's different when you're yourself. But I don't think it's gone."

Not if Sebastian wants his young master to live a long life. Not when he's still so possessive over the things -- and people -- he values.

"But I don't know if it's of value to have some outside force tell you what you care about, either. Maybe later, if it does become important...."

Sebastian tilts his head.

"Mean you that I have always had the capacity, or that the capacity of a human's caring remains to an extent?"

He's. quite sure demons are fully incapable of truly caring.

"I mean that I think demons have their own way of caring, and not being the same as a human's feelings doesn't mean that it's not real."

He shrugs, a tiny little movement of his shoulders, and lifts another cup to try to see if there's any more dawnlight to pull up. It skims through golden light that's gone, somehow, more insubstantial, and comes up with nothing but -- perhaps -- a new bright glimmer to its gilded surface.

"Well," he adds, tone going practical. "I suppose it's time to head back. You have the cups safe? I can row..."

Sebastian considers those words for a moment, chin in hands. It doesn't sound quite right to him, but...

Ah, well.

"Yes. I will make sure not a drop of water is spilled, sir."

"Of course."

Competence is never the point on which he's worried about Sebastian. Although--

"I think caring looks like possessiveness to you. Among other things."

That had been an unconvinced face, he thinks.

Heh.

"Such an unflattering way of describing it, sir."

Sebastian sees nothing wrong with possessiveness, but humans tend to view it rather, ah, negatively.

"I don't see anything wrong with wanting to keep hold of the people who matter to you."

Hakkai's not human, but that's not why he doesn't have a problem with possessiveness. His own possessive streak goes back long before he was youkai.

"I do seem to recall you describing yourself as having 'a terrible personality'.

...As for the 'other things'?"

"Oh, yes," Hakkai agrees placidly. "As for the other things... well, I've noticed you have a tendency to hurt the people you like, too. Which isn't necessarily a problem as long as that's what they want from a friendship ♥"

Although even with Johann, it hadn't been quite what he'd wanted from a friendship. But it's certainly a habit of Sebastian's.

"Well. In the end, not even someone like Johann wanted that", Sebastian remarks, mirroring Hakkai's thoughts. How likely is he to form meaningful connections with others if this is what him 'caring' amounts to?

...Well. The young master, at least, does want Sebastian to hurt him, in a fashion. He wants Sebastian to guide him down the path of darkness; to be his devouring monster. But Mr Cho doesn't want Sebastian to hurt the young master.

"Johann didn't want you to hurt him instead of caring," Hakkai corrects, gently.

"I will admit I do not quite see the difference".

It's an honest admission; he's not just being petulant.

"Violence isn't communication," Hakkai says, thoughtful and a little slowly. He hasn't fully unpicked Johann's side of that old argument for himself, but he'd heard about it from both Johann and Sebastian: he can go through his perception of the details.

"When he wanted to communicate, and you were violent towards him instead, what he understood from that was that you didn't care what he wanted. It's different, if you both want to tussle."

Maybe that's a gentle way of describing it, but Hakkai has a high tolerance for friendly violence himself. It's hard to know Sanzo without being able to translate.

"But when he wants to talk and you break his fingers that's rejection, not communication."

IC Contact

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)

Re: during port (timeskip!)