untiltheend | IC Contact

Not necessarily, no. I think the initial changes have a lot to teach, and living in that condition for a short time allows you to understand it.

But I wouldn't have had you sharing my emotions for longer than two weeks if that had been possible, you realize.

Why don't we spend this time thinking of our next step, instead of arguing about whether this one has run its course?

[Sebastian grips his cup hard enough that his knuckles turn white, inhaling sharply although he, at least, doesn't start to tear up.

Hakkai is wrong. The Admiral wants his due entertainment, and has made it very clear what he finds amusing.

................]

...And your suggested next step would be...?

Identifying... hmm. Three people who you have positive feelings about in this condition, and making an effort to develop a good and honest connection with them once you return to yourself.

Hmmm.

"Sir Trevor. When I possessed the full human spectrum of emotions, I cared about you dying. Now, being returned to my normal self, I do not."

Something like that, sir?

Oh, I think Trevor would understand what you meant.

Are you still feeling the need to conceal your true opinions from people in order to maintain peaceful coexistence?

...Are you suggesting that people in general do not conceal their more unsavoury opinions to co-exist in polite society?

Oh, I think everyone does that to some degree.

But I also think that having someone in your life who sees you honestly is an important part of working on your honest self.

[...Hrrm.]

My thoughts on people overall remain much the same as always.

[So, yes, he does rather think people will take offence to hearing his honest opinions.]

Overall, yes.

Do you have any different thoughts about the specific people who you've found yourself caring more about these past few weeks?

[Sebastian pauses to take a sip of tea, thinking his answer over. And he's had this tea before, but even so he's distracted for a moment by the taste. The different notes, the pieces of dried fruit...]

...My thoughts on their personalities remain the same.

I... have appreciated individual humans in the past, but I have never regretted their deaths, even on the occasions where I have been the cause of their demise. Humans are mayflies; there for one moment and gone the next, largely interchangeable with one another.

Even as I am now I do not believe I would be devastated to lose any of those people, but I would... regret it. [Johann already left, as a matter of fact, and Sebastian's feeling some kind of way about that.]

[Regret... Hakkai is silent for a moment, considering.]

Did you talk to Johann about your argument before he left?

[The more appropriate word would likely be "sadness", but... identifying feelings you've literally never experienced before, only learned about second-hand, isn't always the easiest.]

We did.

[Slightly rising intonation. Why?]

I'm glad you did. Because it can be very difficult to lose someone with things that are unresolved between you.

Even if you were able to talk, though... it can be hard to lose a person you've come to see as a person.

No matter how brief human lives may be, no individual connection is ever quite the same as any other. When someone goes, it's a loss.

[...Heh.]

Why, now, Mr Cho: once I graduate, I will easily be able to visit Johann, will I not?

[You know. Once Sebastian graduates. Maybe 500 years from now, if ever.]

I didn't think you planned to stay on the Barge after your graduation. Going home to different worlds... you might visit once, before you go, but you wouldn't exactly be able to stay in touch.

Unless he's gone back to your world and time?

[It's not a statement of no faith in Sebastian's graduation. It's just how the Barge works, little as Hakkai himself may be resigned to that fact.]

Gracious, no: I doubt I will stay long enough to even thank you for your efforts.

But I do believe 'the ability to travel worlds' is something a Warden might ask for? [Hakkai did indicate that one time that he might be willing to give his Deal to Sebastian...] It is my understanding that Johann's own Deal involved something of the sort.

[This isn't really the point of what they're talking about, but...]

Should I be unable to keep in touch with him, that would be acceptable... but as I am now, I believe I would regret it.

Oh, is it? I wasn't aware of his deal.

[Or assuming that, if Sebastian found something he cared about enough to want Hakkai's deal, that he'd use it on the ability to jump between worlds to visit his friends. But there's no need to say that out loud.]

Well. How do you feel about it? Now, that is. As things are at the moment.

[~~ooc: in which I somehow hallucinated that Johann graduated an inmate and got a deal OTL~~]

Not being able to keep in touch with him, you mean? Well, like I said... it is not ideal, especially seeing as I believe he shares a similar longevity with me, but it is hardly uncommon for people to drift apart for a variety of reasons.

You said you regret it.

Would you say that regret is more like... anger? Frustration? Sadness?

[There's a pause as Sebastian considers his answer.]

...I... hate that he has left just as we have agreed to be 'friends'. Judging by what everyone has been telling me, making connections and learning to value other people is the way to graduate, and him leaving at this time... [Just when Sebastian has started to consciously acknowledge Johann's importance.

There is a part of him that is just sad that Johann is gone, that will genuinely miss him, but it's overshadowed by the selfish desire to graduate.]

Honestly, I'm a little annoyed about that, too. But...

[He turns his hands palm-up briefly.]

I'm trying to accept the fact that this place is only temporary for any of us. Neither you nor I have the right to hang onto someone simply because we have an attachment. But will you miss him? Entirely besides your graduation.

[...There's a long pause, almost a minute long, as Sebastian considers his answer.]

Yes. [There have been people he has valued in the past. Agni, for example... but every single one of those people have been mayflies; gone as quickly as they have disappeared.]

[Hakkai nods, and lets the conversation rest there for a moment, sipping his tea to see if Sebastian wants to elaborate on the 'yes'.]

[Sebastian falls silent for a while too, also sipping his tea. Eventually:]

When I first arrived here, I was told, over and over again, that I would need to forget or let go of the young master were I ever to graduate. I had people question how I could still remain so loyal to him even after my death.

I have... never been interested in whether I am understood by others or not. But month after month, being told what I would need to do in order to return to the young master is a fundamentally impossible thing... [At some point, he somewhat felt like he was going insane. He takes another sip of tea, and with a slight, dismissive hand gesture:]

Even having read my file, sir, you do not understand fully. [It's not criticism, just fact.] Johann understands. There was never a need to explain anything.

... No. The way I bind myself to people...

[He's quiet for a moment. At last:] I do understand what it is to have my feelings for someone else be a part of who I am. But it's different for me, and I can see how you and Johann would have understood that about each other.

Even if you don't care to be understood as a general rule, it's -- it's important.

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