untiltheend | IC Contact

I cannot tell if any of this will have been helpful before I return to my normal self. [Obviously. He stares down into his tea. Forces every word out of his mouth:]

I loathe this experience. But I... care more about Sir Trevor, and Johann's departure, than I believe I would have before.

I have always known that humans struggle to control their impulses, their irrational emotions, yet I have often judged them for their inability to exercise that control. I... have experience with that struggle, now. [And he hates how he's apparently no better than your run-of-the-mill human in that regard.]

Besides, it was once suggested to me by a Warden, roughly a year ago, that I should turn myself human to allow myself to be preyed on. So far, no one has attacked me. [So clearly he should stay human until someone decides to hunt him down.]

Well, I'm certainly not waiting for you to be attacked. You've had that experience already with John Gaius.

[If being physically humbled was enough to move Sebastian towards graduating, that would have done it. Hakkai ignores the A Warden told me I should be preyed on bait: he's sure that someone said something along those lines, and equally sure it hadn't been meant as the threat Sebastian wants to pretend it was.]

I do think it's meaningful that you care more about those you're close to, and care about losing them. And that you're learning how difficult it is for a human to control impulses, too. Tell me, Sebastian... do you think that staying human at this point will teach you more in a meaningful way?

It almost sounds as if it's time to return to your normal self so that you can process those feelings as yourself.

[>:[]

If I have already had this many revelations after but a few weeks as a human, would you not say it makes sense to assume I would learn even more were I to stay this way for a longer time?

Not necessarily, no. I think the initial changes have a lot to teach, and living in that condition for a short time allows you to understand it.

But I wouldn't have had you sharing my emotions for longer than two weeks if that had been possible, you realize.

Why don't we spend this time thinking of our next step, instead of arguing about whether this one has run its course?

[Sebastian grips his cup hard enough that his knuckles turn white, inhaling sharply although he, at least, doesn't start to tear up.

Hakkai is wrong. The Admiral wants his due entertainment, and has made it very clear what he finds amusing.

................]

...And your suggested next step would be...?

Identifying... hmm. Three people who you have positive feelings about in this condition, and making an effort to develop a good and honest connection with them once you return to yourself.

Hmmm.

"Sir Trevor. When I possessed the full human spectrum of emotions, I cared about you dying. Now, being returned to my normal self, I do not."

Something like that, sir?

Oh, I think Trevor would understand what you meant.

Are you still feeling the need to conceal your true opinions from people in order to maintain peaceful coexistence?

...Are you suggesting that people in general do not conceal their more unsavoury opinions to co-exist in polite society?

Oh, I think everyone does that to some degree.

But I also think that having someone in your life who sees you honestly is an important part of working on your honest self.

[...Hrrm.]

My thoughts on people overall remain much the same as always.

[So, yes, he does rather think people will take offence to hearing his honest opinions.]

Overall, yes.

Do you have any different thoughts about the specific people who you've found yourself caring more about these past few weeks?

[Sebastian pauses to take a sip of tea, thinking his answer over. And he's had this tea before, but even so he's distracted for a moment by the taste. The different notes, the pieces of dried fruit...]

...My thoughts on their personalities remain the same.

I... have appreciated individual humans in the past, but I have never regretted their deaths, even on the occasions where I have been the cause of their demise. Humans are mayflies; there for one moment and gone the next, largely interchangeable with one another.

Even as I am now I do not believe I would be devastated to lose any of those people, but I would... regret it. [Johann already left, as a matter of fact, and Sebastian's feeling some kind of way about that.]

[Regret... Hakkai is silent for a moment, considering.]

Did you talk to Johann about your argument before he left?

[The more appropriate word would likely be "sadness", but... identifying feelings you've literally never experienced before, only learned about second-hand, isn't always the easiest.]

We did.

[Slightly rising intonation. Why?]

I'm glad you did. Because it can be very difficult to lose someone with things that are unresolved between you.

Even if you were able to talk, though... it can be hard to lose a person you've come to see as a person.

No matter how brief human lives may be, no individual connection is ever quite the same as any other. When someone goes, it's a loss.

[...Heh.]

Why, now, Mr Cho: once I graduate, I will easily be able to visit Johann, will I not?

[You know. Once Sebastian graduates. Maybe 500 years from now, if ever.]

I didn't think you planned to stay on the Barge after your graduation. Going home to different worlds... you might visit once, before you go, but you wouldn't exactly be able to stay in touch.

Unless he's gone back to your world and time?

[It's not a statement of no faith in Sebastian's graduation. It's just how the Barge works, little as Hakkai himself may be resigned to that fact.]

Gracious, no: I doubt I will stay long enough to even thank you for your efforts.

But I do believe 'the ability to travel worlds' is something a Warden might ask for? [Hakkai did indicate that one time that he might be willing to give his Deal to Sebastian...] It is my understanding that Johann's own Deal involved something of the sort.

[This isn't really the point of what they're talking about, but...]

Should I be unable to keep in touch with him, that would be acceptable... but as I am now, I believe I would regret it.

Oh, is it? I wasn't aware of his deal.

[Or assuming that, if Sebastian found something he cared about enough to want Hakkai's deal, that he'd use it on the ability to jump between worlds to visit his friends. But there's no need to say that out loud.]

Well. How do you feel about it? Now, that is. As things are at the moment.

[~~ooc: in which I somehow hallucinated that Johann graduated an inmate and got a deal OTL~~]

Not being able to keep in touch with him, you mean? Well, like I said... it is not ideal, especially seeing as I believe he shares a similar longevity with me, but it is hardly uncommon for people to drift apart for a variety of reasons.

You said you regret it.

Would you say that regret is more like... anger? Frustration? Sadness?

[There's a pause as Sebastian considers his answer.]

...I... hate that he has left just as we have agreed to be 'friends'. Judging by what everyone has been telling me, making connections and learning to value other people is the way to graduate, and him leaving at this time... [Just when Sebastian has started to consciously acknowledge Johann's importance.

There is a part of him that is just sad that Johann is gone, that will genuinely miss him, but it's overshadowed by the selfish desire to graduate.]

Honestly, I'm a little annoyed about that, too. But...

[He turns his hands palm-up briefly.]

I'm trying to accept the fact that this place is only temporary for any of us. Neither you nor I have the right to hang onto someone simply because we have an attachment. But will you miss him? Entirely besides your graduation.

[...There's a long pause, almost a minute long, as Sebastian considers his answer.]

Yes. [There have been people he has valued in the past. Agni, for example... but every single one of those people have been mayflies; gone as quickly as they have disappeared.]

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