untiltheend | IC Contact

[It's very polite of him to refrain.]

Of course. I'll see you then.

[Five minutes means leaving the cabin immediately to head for Sebastian's; he's already on his way.

He's thirty seconds early, but knocks rather than waiting around outside to make the timing too perfect.]

[He knows. Not getting a chance to prepare and instead having to head out the door immediately = small punishment. Sebastian opens the door, not bothering to smile. He does, at least, look like he's getting a semi-decent amount of sleep now.]

Please come in, sir.

[The tea is almost ready, and Sebastian has brought out the tea set he got from Xie Lian.]

[Hakkai bows politely, stepping inside.]

Ah, that smells lovely. Thank you, Sebastian.

[He can take a few moments for the polite nothings that go with taking tea, but once he settles down into the chair, he's looking back up at Sebastian with a more serious cast to his expression.]

I do want to know what it is that you're gaining from this experience, you realize.

[After pouring them both tea, Sebastian also takes a seat, wrapping his hands around his cup.]

What I said already is not to your satisfaction, then?

None of it was about you.

[About the Admiral, yes. But not, in any specificity, about what Sebastian might be learning or gaining.]

Truly, I want to make sure this isn't just going to become another routine that gets you nowhere.

And what would be your suggestion, should this turn out to not be sufficiently helpful? To return to my normal self, and so continue to make no progress?

No. My next suggestion would be to try something different -- but yes, if this isn't helping, then I think you should return to your normal self.

After all... it's your normal self that needs to graduate. Not yourself as a human. If something only works while you are like this, I'm not sure it will be meaningful in the end.

I cannot tell if any of this will have been helpful before I return to my normal self. [Obviously. He stares down into his tea. Forces every word out of his mouth:]

I loathe this experience. But I... care more about Sir Trevor, and Johann's departure, than I believe I would have before.

I have always known that humans struggle to control their impulses, their irrational emotions, yet I have often judged them for their inability to exercise that control. I... have experience with that struggle, now. [And he hates how he's apparently no better than your run-of-the-mill human in that regard.]

Besides, it was once suggested to me by a Warden, roughly a year ago, that I should turn myself human to allow myself to be preyed on. So far, no one has attacked me. [So clearly he should stay human until someone decides to hunt him down.]

Well, I'm certainly not waiting for you to be attacked. You've had that experience already with John Gaius.

[If being physically humbled was enough to move Sebastian towards graduating, that would have done it. Hakkai ignores the A Warden told me I should be preyed on bait: he's sure that someone said something along those lines, and equally sure it hadn't been meant as the threat Sebastian wants to pretend it was.]

I do think it's meaningful that you care more about those you're close to, and care about losing them. And that you're learning how difficult it is for a human to control impulses, too. Tell me, Sebastian... do you think that staying human at this point will teach you more in a meaningful way?

It almost sounds as if it's time to return to your normal self so that you can process those feelings as yourself.

[>:[]

If I have already had this many revelations after but a few weeks as a human, would you not say it makes sense to assume I would learn even more were I to stay this way for a longer time?

Not necessarily, no. I think the initial changes have a lot to teach, and living in that condition for a short time allows you to understand it.

But I wouldn't have had you sharing my emotions for longer than two weeks if that had been possible, you realize.

Why don't we spend this time thinking of our next step, instead of arguing about whether this one has run its course?

[Sebastian grips his cup hard enough that his knuckles turn white, inhaling sharply although he, at least, doesn't start to tear up.

Hakkai is wrong. The Admiral wants his due entertainment, and has made it very clear what he finds amusing.

................]

...And your suggested next step would be...?

Identifying... hmm. Three people who you have positive feelings about in this condition, and making an effort to develop a good and honest connection with them once you return to yourself.

Hmmm.

"Sir Trevor. When I possessed the full human spectrum of emotions, I cared about you dying. Now, being returned to my normal self, I do not."

Something like that, sir?

Oh, I think Trevor would understand what you meant.

Are you still feeling the need to conceal your true opinions from people in order to maintain peaceful coexistence?

...Are you suggesting that people in general do not conceal their more unsavoury opinions to co-exist in polite society?

Oh, I think everyone does that to some degree.

But I also think that having someone in your life who sees you honestly is an important part of working on your honest self.

[...Hrrm.]

My thoughts on people overall remain much the same as always.

[So, yes, he does rather think people will take offence to hearing his honest opinions.]

Overall, yes.

Do you have any different thoughts about the specific people who you've found yourself caring more about these past few weeks?

[Sebastian pauses to take a sip of tea, thinking his answer over. And he's had this tea before, but even so he's distracted for a moment by the taste. The different notes, the pieces of dried fruit...]

...My thoughts on their personalities remain the same.

I... have appreciated individual humans in the past, but I have never regretted their deaths, even on the occasions where I have been the cause of their demise. Humans are mayflies; there for one moment and gone the next, largely interchangeable with one another.

Even as I am now I do not believe I would be devastated to lose any of those people, but I would... regret it. [Johann already left, as a matter of fact, and Sebastian's feeling some kind of way about that.]

[Regret... Hakkai is silent for a moment, considering.]

Did you talk to Johann about your argument before he left?

[The more appropriate word would likely be "sadness", but... identifying feelings you've literally never experienced before, only learned about second-hand, isn't always the easiest.]

We did.

[Slightly rising intonation. Why?]

I'm glad you did. Because it can be very difficult to lose someone with things that are unresolved between you.

Even if you were able to talk, though... it can be hard to lose a person you've come to see as a person.

No matter how brief human lives may be, no individual connection is ever quite the same as any other. When someone goes, it's a loss.

[...Heh.]

Why, now, Mr Cho: once I graduate, I will easily be able to visit Johann, will I not?

[You know. Once Sebastian graduates. Maybe 500 years from now, if ever.]

I didn't think you planned to stay on the Barge after your graduation. Going home to different worlds... you might visit once, before you go, but you wouldn't exactly be able to stay in touch.

Unless he's gone back to your world and time?

[It's not a statement of no faith in Sebastian's graduation. It's just how the Barge works, little as Hakkai himself may be resigned to that fact.]

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