untiltheend | IC Contact

Why think you there is?

Because it's been several weeks and I don't like to continue things that aren't effective. If it is effective, that's a different story, but just leaving your transformation in place to avoid talking about it is simple laziness.

[Laziness.

Sebastian uproots his entire being, acquiesces to forgo his demonhood in order to live as a lowly human, and he still gets accused of laziness? Hakkai gets the privilege of Sebastian's tone not being his usual pleasantly polite, but acid:]

I still have not graduated, Mr Cho. Would you say that implies the Admiral has been sufficiently entertained yet?

[Does Sebastian think there is a very obvious reason why the Admiral suggested turning him human when he ~~couldn't~~ simply change Sebastian's emotional capability? Very much yes.]

If you think this is about entertaining the Admiral, that tells me it's useless to you and I'll be asking for it to be reversed immediately.

This is about your perspective, Sebastian. Not about anyone else. If you're just enduring it in hopes of convincing the Admiral to let you graduate through self-mortification, you are less clever than I thought you were.

My deepest apologies, Mr Cho, if my level of intelligence has failed to live up to your standards.

By all means, do whatever alterations to my life that you deem appropriate, regardless of my thoughts.

I'll gladly take your thoughts into consideration if you bother telling me what they are, Sebastian.

If you're only interested in telling me what you imagine the Admiral thinks, then I'll have to consider my own opinions equal to yours on that topic.

ARGH. Why does he has to spells these things out, why is everyone but him an absolute idiot...

................There's a long pause where Sebastian just. breathes.]

Mr Cho. The Admiral is capable of curing fatal diseases, of bringing people back from the dead, of resurrecting entire planets... but granting a wider range of emotions to a person without turning him human is, ah, beyond his capabilities?

Is that not very unfortunate?

I do recognise that I need to change. But, please, may we not pretend that the Admiral's enjoyment plays no part? Who was it that suggested turning me human in the first place?

He's capable of doing those things as rewards for an inmate's graduation. His willingness to grant us our requests for no more cost than the asking has always been more limited than that.

Furthermore... I don't think he allows anyone their graduation as a reward for their entertainment value. If we're assuming his motivation is self-interested, I'd imagine that he's much more likely to force the most entertaining inmates to stay on board longer. So let's not assume that "doing what the Admiral suggests" is the right path, shall we?

[Capability. Willingness. Does Mr Cho hear himself?

Sure, an individual's strength of desire, or their willingness to sacrifice for what they want, certainly can influence the ability of the wish-granter. Sebastian's power in the human realm is dependent on how visible his Contractor allows their Contract mark to be. Were he charitable, Sebastian would assume that the Admiral works under similar limitations.

Sebastian does not feel charitable.]

...All right. [He absolutely will continue to assume that very thing, but if doubling down on it will result in Mr Cho undoing his human transformation... Well. Not being entirely forthcoming with his warden is not ideal, but on the other hand, Hakkai is wrong.]

My genuine thoughts on if this has been effective or not... it has been, yes. [Now leave him to it, please and thank you.]

How nice to hear that. Truly, it's a relief.

[Sebastian, you've just decided that he's too wrong to argue with and it's time to pretend to agree so he shuts up, haven't you.

Hakkai does recognize the signs.]

Shall we meet up so that you can give me some more details on the matter? I'd quite like to hear how it's been of use, so that we can decide where we should go from here.

[Hakkai not buying it doesn't go unnoticed.

In a noticeably upset tone:]

It's different, sir; it provides a change when I have spent a year and a half in stasis, making no progress whatsoever, and I--

[--Sebastian hangs up.]

[He resumes the call a few minutes later. At least he's following the advice to step away from the Network if he feels overwhelmed?]

...I apologise, sir. Should I come to your cabin?

I'll come over there.

[It's good for Sebastian to be able to retreat if he needs to, but Hakkai also wants to push. Which is easier if he can't easily escape.]

[...Sebastian chooses not to honour Hakkai's request that he tell him when he feels the urge to commit a murder.]

In five minutes, then, please. [Be late and the tea will be oversteeped.]

[It's very polite of him to refrain.]

Of course. I'll see you then.

[Five minutes means leaving the cabin immediately to head for Sebastian's; he's already on his way.

He's thirty seconds early, but knocks rather than waiting around outside to make the timing too perfect.]

[He knows. Not getting a chance to prepare and instead having to head out the door immediately = small punishment. Sebastian opens the door, not bothering to smile. He does, at least, look like he's getting a semi-decent amount of sleep now.]

Please come in, sir.

[The tea is almost ready, and Sebastian has brought out the tea set he got from Xie Lian.]

[Hakkai bows politely, stepping inside.]

Ah, that smells lovely. Thank you, Sebastian.

[He can take a few moments for the polite nothings that go with taking tea, but once he settles down into the chair, he's looking back up at Sebastian with a more serious cast to his expression.]

I do want to know what it is that you're gaining from this experience, you realize.

[After pouring them both tea, Sebastian also takes a seat, wrapping his hands around his cup.]

What I said already is not to your satisfaction, then?

None of it was about you.

[About the Admiral, yes. But not, in any specificity, about what Sebastian might be learning or gaining.]

Truly, I want to make sure this isn't just going to become another routine that gets you nowhere.

And what would be your suggestion, should this turn out to not be sufficiently helpful? To return to my normal self, and so continue to make no progress?

No. My next suggestion would be to try something different -- but yes, if this isn't helping, then I think you should return to your normal self.

After all... it's your normal self that needs to graduate. Not yourself as a human. If something only works while you are like this, I'm not sure it will be meaningful in the end.

I cannot tell if any of this will have been helpful before I return to my normal self. [Obviously. He stares down into his tea. Forces every word out of his mouth:]

I loathe this experience. But I... care more about Sir Trevor, and Johann's departure, than I believe I would have before.

I have always known that humans struggle to control their impulses, their irrational emotions, yet I have often judged them for their inability to exercise that control. I... have experience with that struggle, now. [And he hates how he's apparently no better than your run-of-the-mill human in that regard.]

Besides, it was once suggested to me by a Warden, roughly a year ago, that I should turn myself human to allow myself to be preyed on. So far, no one has attacked me. [So clearly he should stay human until someone decides to hunt him down.]

Well, I'm certainly not waiting for you to be attacked. You've had that experience already with John Gaius.

[If being physically humbled was enough to move Sebastian towards graduating, that would have done it. Hakkai ignores the A Warden told me I should be preyed on bait: he's sure that someone said something along those lines, and equally sure it hadn't been meant as the threat Sebastian wants to pretend it was.]

I do think it's meaningful that you care more about those you're close to, and care about losing them. And that you're learning how difficult it is for a human to control impulses, too. Tell me, Sebastian... do you think that staying human at this point will teach you more in a meaningful way?

It almost sounds as if it's time to return to your normal self so that you can process those feelings as yourself.

[>:[]

If I have already had this many revelations after but a few weeks as a human, would you not say it makes sense to assume I would learn even more were I to stay this way for a longer time?

Not necessarily, no. I think the initial changes have a lot to teach, and living in that condition for a short time allows you to understand it.

But I wouldn't have had you sharing my emotions for longer than two weeks if that had been possible, you realize.

Why don't we spend this time thinking of our next step, instead of arguing about whether this one has run its course?

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